Bagging the Skunk

Phoenix, Arizona and points south are very dry parts of the state; averaging under nine inches of precipitation per year.  To provide irrigation water, Lake Pleasant, which is northwest of Phoenix, is used as a collection point and holding tank for water mostly for irrigation.  Between being filled to capacity, and pumped down, its water level fluctuates 100 vertical feet each cycle.

When water levels are high, the original boat launching ramps are under water.  As the water level fluctuates, fisherman leave behind a pretty fair amount of fishing gear caught in the rocks that make up much of shore line.  When water levels drop, boaters are able to use the once again exposed boat ramps, and animals get to re-acquaint themselves with their old stomping rounds.  Occasionally, a critter will get caught up in some of the old left-behind fishing line.

While on patrol one weekend; a very busy time, I received a call to go to one of the boat ramps to deal with a skunk.  The dispatcher wasn’t sure what the problem was, only that a skunk was interfering with use of the ramp.  When I arrived, there were people waiting to launch boats at the top of the ramp, people waiting to trailer boats out of the lake at the bottom of the ramp, and a really pissed-off skunk caught in fishing line and a brittle bush on the side of the ramp, about half-way down.  No one was willing to chance getting nailed with “odoriferous de skunk”, so the ramp was out of commission.

After sizing things up, I told everyone I would be back in fifteen minutes, and headed for the park headquarters, where I armed myself with what I hoped was going to be the necessary equipment deal with the problem.  When I returned, I was facing an even more upset skunk, and people armed with cameras to capture the moment.

After ripping three holes in a 55 gallon plastic trash bag; one for my head, and one for each arm, I put it on, grabbed a second bag and a shovel, and went to battle.  I was able to open the second bag enough to keep it in front of me for the added protection, slip it over the bush and skunk, dig the roots out of the ground, flipping the entire mess into the bag, tie it off, and put it in the back of the truck.  Not a drop of spray on me!  😀

It didn’t go quite as smooth when I went to release it.  The skunk had sprayed all over the inside of the bag, and had ripped a few small holes in it, so… there was no doubt a passer-by would know exactly what was going on.  I flipped the bag out on the ground, waited for the skunk to get loose and leave, put the “soiled” bag plus the one I had worn in a third plastic bag, headed back to headquarters, put the bags in the trash, parked the truck, and called it a day.

You know the next day when I went back to work; I got an earful from everyone who had to drive the truck that day.  No matter… me one; skunk zero!

Verde Valley Vigilante

I was a certified police officer and Emergency Medical Technician (EMT), working as a park ranger in a county park system.  There had been a competitive shooting match in a place called Willard Springs, a wilderness area between Phoenix and Flagstaff, Arizona, just off Interstate 17, which I attended.  The match had ended late that afternoon, and I was headed back to Phoenix.  I had just entered Verde Valley, a small, rural town half-way back, nestled at the base of a valley.

At the base of the valley floor, a two-door sedan skidded off the road onto the dirt shoulder, spinning slightly before coming to a stop.  Approaching from behind, there was no driver visible in the driver’s seat, so I stopped to see if there was a medical emergency or some other problem I could help with.  I was not on-duty, so I had no radio.  As I approached the driver’s door, there was a man, leaning over to the passenger seat, holding a woman down, beating on her with his fist.  I opened the door, identified myself as an off-duty police officer, and ordered the man to stop.  Within a minute, the two were separated, outside the vehicle, and I was trying to calm them down, and get them back on the road.  The woman suddenly took off running towards the woods; when I started after her, as she was in bare feet, running through very rough ground, the man got back in the car and left.

When I caught up with her, she had crawled into a culvert to hide.  It took me about 20 minutes to talk her into coming back to the highway, as it was going to be dark soon, and she could get hurt walking around in the scrub, cactus, and broken glass at night.  When we got back to the highway, she ran out into the middle of the lanes, and started walking up the middle of the road.  I got into my truck, and drove behind her with my 4-way flashers on.  I couldn’t call for help without a radio, and couldn’t let her walk up the middle of the highway to get killed.  A catch 22!

Luckily, traffic was light, but… there was some.  Sure enough, a pick-up came along; she jumped out in front of it, causing him to swerve across two lanes, almost causing an accident.  He slammed on his brakes, pulled over, and came back to see what the hell was going on.  I had already grabbed the woman, picked her up, put her in the bed of my pick-up, and held her there.  I told the driver I was an off-duty police officer, and asked him to drive up to the top of the valley wall, flag down a commercial truck driver, and have him radio in that I was holding a mentally ill woman who was attempting suicide on the highway, which he did.

Now for the good part… three state troopers showed up.  One went over to talk to the woman, then immediately came over and asked if I had touched the woman.  I said yes, than started to explain that I pulled her off the road for attempting suicide by jumping in front of moving vehicles.  Before I could even finish my statement, he told me I was under arrest for assault.  He never asked me any questions, just placed me under arrest.  I identified myself as an off-duty police officer, and that he was not placing me under arrest!  One of the other troopers grabbed my left arm; I looked him right in the eye and asked if he really wanted to be part of this?  He let go.  The “arresting” trooper told me to sit on the curbing, which I declined to do.  I called over the third trooper, explained exactly what had happened, and expressed my condolences to her for having to work with such a complete idiot.  Evidently, my assessment wasn’t too far off; she chuckled.

Eventually, the man who had left the original scene came back.  It turns out they were married.  They got back into the car and headed for Phoenix, and the “idiot” commenced to tell me I was free to go.  I commenced to tell him I was always free to go, but stayed to make sure at least one of you got the right story.  He was not amused; I was.  And off I went.

I’m Up to My Ears with This

You don’t kill a tree by cutting it off at the ground… new shoots always start to grow from the stump.  Same stump… same tree.  It’s not rocket science!  We have three trees in this country that need to be removed.  They are so big, their roots wiggle their way into everything, affecting everyone’s life in one way or another.  They are so strong, the wildest winds could not knock them down.  As they feed themselves, their branches spread, leaving a mess everywhere.  Because they have not been destroyed, they continue to grow.  If these trees are not stopped, they will consume everything this country has to give.  Yet, their appetite can never be stopped… unless the trees are uprooted.

It may be news to you, but these trees are manicured; fed the best we have to offer.  Yet they search for more… their thirst never quenched.  There are thousands of people whose job it is to clean up the mess these trees make, but the mess grows faster than the people can clean.  More people try to help slow the growth, giving more of what they have.  The trees seem to sense the added food, and they come back to take it.  All will never be enough, for they grow ever more out of control, requiring more and more.

The trees are the Legislative, Executive, and Judicial branches.  A thing of beauty, turned fungal and diseased.  Leaders, they are supposed to be… but they are not.  True leaders lead by example.  Ours cower, clothed in secrecy and lies.  “Deals with the Devil”, the order of the day.  Deals with each other… no matter… all will be taken.  Leading by example inspires, and promotes trust… things that have long ago been washed down the drain.  They pass laws that do everything except why they are there… to protect the American people.  But they don’t “feel our pain”, as they have exempted themselves from the laws they pass.

Why, you ask, would leaders not lead by example?  They know the terrible price they would have to pay… the same price they are selling us for… a price too high. To lead by example…  so much of the good life to give up:

Steak and lobster; Champaign and wine

$100.00 cigars to blow smoke all the time.

Trips to wherever, whenever they want

taxpayer’s dollars always ready to flaunt,

Votes for a jet ride, war chests full of gold

wanting baby cell miracles so they never grow old.

Golf on the weekends, banquets to attend

break laws without fear … their colleagues defend.

Pompous and arrogant, disingenuous; never held accountable for treasons committed.  Some representatives have been in office for decades, yet, the same problems that plagued us then still hobble us, as we spin in circles going nowhere.  Turning corporations into people… or was that acknowledging that people are corporations??  It is spelled out if you just look!

The first two rules of warfare… know your enemy; divide and conquer.  They know us so well!  We, as a people, have been divided into so many self-interest groups, and set upon each other, we spend all our time squabbling over scraps… the old “bait ‘n switch”; or “see what’s in my hand” as the other one is behind their back wheeling and dealing.  We all have to pull our heads out of our asses and take a look around at what is going on.  People… we are all being played like a violin, and we are dancing to their music.

My solution…

Rid us of this disease… uproot the evil things… vote everyone out of office, cycle after cycle, until there is no one left who knows their secrets… no one left to keep the trees alive.

The Lie Detector

 

While in the military, I was asked to take a lie detector test.  When I got out of the Air Traffic Control career field, I was required to be “assessed”; many controllers have difficulty adjusting to the fact they are not controllers any longer when they leave the field.  Seeing how my pre-enlistment test scores qualified me to do any job offered to enlisted airmen, with the exception of an interpreter, I wasn’t worried.

After I retired from the Air Force, I was surprised to find some businesses in the civilian world had taken up administering lie detector tests as a requirement for being hired.  I had many questions about what type of questions would be asked, who would have access to the information, how and where the results would be used, and how the managers and businesses reputations would hold up under such scrutiny.

I found myself applying for a job, and being asked to take a lie detector test.  Having a good sense of humor, I decided to turn the tables on the interviewer.  After explaining that I was very concerned about ensuring the company I chose to work for was “above board”, and the people I would be working with and for were all on the up-and-up, I asked the interviewer to take one also.

Shortest job interview I ever had!

You Get What You Pay For… LOL

I spent many years teaching outdoor survival both as a government employee and a civilian.  Regardless of the age of the attendees, it was always a lot of fun.  Classes included pre-travel planning, what to pack in survival kits and how to use the items, fire craft, water procurement, map and compass, camouflage, escape and evasion, signaling devices, poisonous critters, and first aid.  Classes were tailored for each group’s needs.   I taught in the Air Force; for the Maricopa County Parks Department in Arizona; for the Arizona Department of Emergency Services, and as a civilian.  Groups included Air Force pilots, civilian pilots, United States Department of Energy employees, Civil Air Patrol members, outdoor enthusiasts, elementary schools, park visitors, boy scouts, girl scouts, Reserve Officer’s Training Corps (ROTC) Cadets, Army Reserve personnel, and more.  I had also assisted in teaching at the community college and university levels, but wanted to become a certified and paid instructor.

 

One of the requirements for being a paid instructor at the university level is a four-year degree in the area you would teach in.  I had years of experience teaching survival, and many college credits, but no degree.  Arizona State University (ASU) had a degree program, so I had my experience and existing credits computed, and identified the last couple of classes I would need to become a certified instructor.  (I would like to clarify at this point… I wanted to be certified, but was already certifiable!)

 

One of those classes I needed to take was with Arizona State University West.  It was being taught by a fellow instructor from the Maricopa County Parks Department.  He and I had taught many classes together all over the state of Arizona.  On the first day of class, he got sick, and could not talk, so… I ended up teaching the class which I was taking.  I had to pay tuition; never got paid for teaching the class; but… I did get a really good final grade for the class!